In the matrix, I would have been one of those people that stayed plugged in.
I love rules, I love the comfort of having someone else make choices for me because risk and effort require a lot of discomfort. And life is uncomfortable enough from the crap that other people throw at you, why seek out more?!
Four years ago I suffered a miscarriage. I lost a sweet soul that only lived in me for 6-8 weeks. We named him Henry. It was a painful and numb time where I relied on knowing my God is good no matter what circumstances say. And a resolve grew in me that I have kept to this day. The devil comes to steal, kill and destroy. And I would make him pay for what he had stolen from me. Because of my pain, I would love harder, deeper, and more steadfast. And when I get to heaven, even though my baby never lived outside my body, he will have souls that were touched because he touched me.
I tell you about Henry because he showed me that life can happen even when you’re not trying. Bad things can happen. Well, if they’re gonna happen anyway, why not risk something? I am the kind of person who could have towed the line forever. Dreamt a big dream but always not understood how to pursue it…blamed it on kids, money, whatever… Because people tell you to go for your dreams, but not at the expense of risk!
But I have had a taste of freedom, the possibility of greatness…
There is no roadmap other than to pursue your dream like each small step is the thing that will get you there, never stop being a student and give away what you learn. I haven’t done anything great in my life. I have four stunning little humans and a passionate marriage, but those happened almost by accident. I was lucky there. And for some of you, that is your dream, and it’s beautiful! I think that when we achieve dreams, we get to then decide, What’s next? What new adventure awaits?
My new dream is facing the things that scare me and that I have no way of doing on my own. Someone, something greater must take the reins and open the doors. I believe in God. The God who leaves me love-drunk and dumbfounded by how good He is. I believe in His nudging me toward the doors of possibility and self-worth. I believe in this when I don't feel like it. And right now I feel I am at the precipice of choice. Will I or won’t I step off of the cliff and see that He won’t let me fall? That’s the real question, isn’t it? Will I fall? Will I knowingly walk into pain and failure?
Is my fear bigger than that nagging that somewhere deep down I was meant to do and be something great? Will abandoning comfort and anyone shaken by my abandonment be worth the sacrifice? Because great things cost us something. They cost us who we were for who we will be. They cost us the opinion of those we care about when we break out from the ranks of expectations. Do you want success? Well then we gotta work. Cause when we get there, we will have to work! Like when we lost Henry, I am back at that place of wanting the pain to cost the enemy something. So I’m gonna lean in. And I’m gonna work like I’m being paid the big bucks for it, risk my time with my family and my resources and really say that I went for it. Even when I’m scared, even when circumstances push back, even when I risk and fail. I decide who I am. And I choose to fight.
Welcome to my experiment.